Step Process for Dealing with Feelings

1. Awareness

    The sensation that there is a feeling experience, perhaps mild discomfort, but not yet identified.

2. Understanding

    Identifying the specific feeling, as opposed to a general emotional state, such as "I am depressed."

3. Acceptance

    Most important to accept that whatever the feeling, "It's okay." Not to do this would be to deny and/or repress the feeling.

4. Action/Change

    Deciding to act on the feeling, which may involve reporting or expressing it, but must include "owning it," rather than laying the responsibility for it on someone or someone else.

THAT MEAN ONE

it grows and grows
yet deeply buried
no one knows its even there
thats not real
we know its there
she tells us over and over
we can hear
the words are loud and very mean
their intent is yet to be seen
though we cannot be
if we dont let the outsides see
what she needs to let it out
why she wants to scream and shout
why she hates what we are
we cannot just let her be
what she wants does not come free
the cost is high and very scarey
the end result could be much worse
for if she is allowed to be
there may be nothing left of me
she'd make me be like HER and then they'd see
why we should not have ever let her free.

Dear Mean One
I know you are strong. I know you probably needed to be tough to survive, and that's okay. I also believe you are saying things that were said to you. I'm sorry you were mistreated. I know you are so much more than mean. I bet you are smart, strong, and brave too.
Sky----who has mean ones inside too.


dc,
I too have/had a mean ones inside. It's better now most days. Somehow my t. helped me get beyond the bad words and threats (the meaness) and I realized my mean was terribly hurt herself, and scared, and needed to act tough to survive. For many years I thought my mean ones were really old and could do lots of damage and I was very afraid of them. Turns out that they are 6-7 yrs. old which was a huge surprise to me. They were just repeating and acting out threats and stuff that happened to them. Once I knew that I could also start to feel their pain as well and knew they didn't want to live trapped being only mean.
My hope for you is that you can all work together. I discovered that if I listen and respect my mean (not neccessarily act on her desires), but really listen I have found a true protector. Sometimes when I want to open my heart to an outside person and I think it's okay, my mean one/protector acts up inside . Today I honor that and so far my means have been very accurate about who to trust and who not too. It also helps that past feel helpful and a little better about herself.....that
she can be more than just mean. For most of my years I wanted the means out of me, and it feels really good to say that today I wouldn't trade them away for anything. Now that I understand I see how we are so much better off working together

I don;t know if any of this makes sense, but I was so surprised when I found my meanest ones turned out to be the biggest and most enduring helpers once I listened and understood what was going on for them.
Love
Sky

Yes, d.c. they used to and the more I didn't want to listen or got scared the louder and more they would say it all. But you know what, now that I listen and understand more they aren't so mean. They did not know any other way to talk or act and they so wanted me to listen. Now when I feel "the same old stuff" start to be said instead of thinking how to shut them up or "stop it" I ask myself what are they trying to tell me. Often it's about a person or social situation and they want me to be careful (and they would try to do that by being a bully to me) Now I just thank them and tell them we'll watch together closely and they calm some. I think they like being able to help protect and be important for something more than being mean. It wasn't always this way. For years I listened to others talk about getting along or "working together" and I felt like such a failure. My means and frenzies really ran around inside not letting anyone near at all. There was no working together at all, and they all scared me. Once I realized they were scared too that helped me lots. Sometimes under big rage is lots of scared.
You're all doing great d.c.
Love
Sky

"In my experience, I have to sometimes go to the opposite extreme of a behavior before I can find a comfortable middle ground. Since Al-anon, I am learning that feelings are NOT facts.....I can say that I'm angry without hurting my self or someone else. I can physically get my anger out by beating on a bed with a plastic bat (purchased just for this purpose). Or I can write my anger out...using every bit of foul language that I want to. I am SLOWLY learning that I can be angry and not be full of fear that the other person will leave or not like me." Barb

If you feel SADNESS, this is because YOU LOST SOMETHING you previously enjoyed. After feeling it thoroughly (crying if needed), decide how to REPLACE WHAT YOU'VE LOST.

If you feel ANGER, this is because someone or some thing is BLOCKING you from getting what you want. Feel it thoroughly, then decide HOW TO GET PAST THE BLOCK (or, if that proves impossible, how to get along well without what you want).

If you feel JOY, this is because you've GOT what you previously wanted. Feel it thoroughly, and if you must think at all, think about HOW TO ENJOY THIS TIME EVEN MORE!

If you feel SCARE, this is because your very EXISTENCE IS THREATENED (or you are just imagining that it is). Feel it quickly, then let it go and decide HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF (or how to change what you are imagining).

If you feel EXCITEMENT, this is because you are ON YOUR WAY to something you want. FEEL IT THOROUGHLY WHILE you are "on your way!"


Even though these five feelings (above) can be natural, they can also be brought about through our minds or our imaginings.


If you know that your sadness, anger or scare is because of something you are imagining, let it go! You are only causing yourself unnecessary pain (possibly to manipulate someone).

If you know that your joy or excitement is because of something you are imagining, enjoy it! (Just make sure that you don't believe your fantasy.)


If you feel GUILT, you are imagining yourself to be "bad" while you are actually angry. Admit you are angry at someone or some thing outside of yourself. (Then See: Anger.) Do not believe you are angry at yourself! That's impossible!

If you feel "stuck", remember who taught you to feel guilty about this, and what their motives were (what they hoped to get out of making you feel guilty).