"...have a few suggestions on the hurting. We have a rubberband that we where around our wrists and snap that (also good for grounding) also for cutting we use a red marker to make the "slits/cuts" on our arms and legs. We use brown for the times we want to burn. It works if you give it half a chance. Also one that Sue (I think) gave shortly after we started AHH is to fill a sink oup with ice water and ice cubes. Soak your arm it it until you cannot stand it or the urge is manageable. Old socks are GREAT for helping too. We put an old pair on our hands and scratch and pinch all we want and of course it is to no avail." Tig

Picking up dog mess in the park and  throwing it away after writing your abuser's name on the bag.

Write  your abuser's name on a balloon and then pop it.

The ever classic "Dart  board" with abuser's picture or a particularly troubling flash back  written on it.

The last one we came up with was putting out ziplock  baggies filled with water and the abuser's name written on the bag and  then setting a few up in an empty parking lot and running over them with  your car.

Submitted by Caroline

We all live according to false beliefs. Bringing such beliefs to light is an important step in our deconditioning process. A few random false beliefs:

"Because my father abandoned me when I was a child, I must go through life abandoning the people close to me."

"If I make a mistake, I will die."

"I don't have time to feel what I am feeling, because I have to figure it all out."

"I have to get where I go by suffering."

"When I start to feel good, I must remember to feel bad, because I didn't feel good before."

"Because my mother withheld intimacy from me when I was small, I cannot offer intimacy for the rest of my life."

"If I leave him, I'll die."

"I can't be happy, because if I allow myself to be happy, I might be humiliated."

"I must earn and deserve every good thing I get."

The Top 10 Ways to Be Unconditionally Constructive, 100% of the Time.

1. Point out the person's strengths, not their weaknesses.

2. Point out what was good that was behind a person's actions, even if the result didn't work out.

3. Empathize, then endorse and reinforce, repeatedly.

4. Make the person feel normal for whatever they are experiencing.

5. Acknowledge the person, accurately and without puffery.

6. Don't refer to the failure/error, ever.

7. Tell them who you are for them (a fan, a supporter, a source of  business/love, etc.)

8. Don't compare today's performance/progress with yesterday's.

9. Focus/speak to the spirit of the other person, not just their actions or achievements.

10. Have others who are always unconditionally constructive with you.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE

To all the things that are good about me....
And I shall from this day forward,

No longer try to be everything to everybody.
Nor will I be someone I'm not.
I shall no longer use all my energies to fulfill the dreams of
others while mine go unattended.
I shall use my assertive right to take charge of my life.
I shall never again know guilt, for this pain is self-chosen.
I shall fight the manipulators and their ploys by standing up
for myself and my ideals.
I shall insist upon being treated with dignity, and demand
goodness in my life.
I shall speak the truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others.
I shall be the judge of my behavior, thoughts and emotions,
and I shall be responsible for them.
I shall challenge putdowns.
I shall destroy negative thoughts and fears of rejections.
I shall not distress myself with imaginings.
I shall be gentle with myself and strive to be happy.
I shall live positively.
I SHALL BEGIN NOW!!

What is Maturity?

• Knowing myself.
• Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don't.
• Admitting when I'm wrong and making amends.
• Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself.
• Recognizing that I always have choices, and taking responsibility for the ones I make.
• Seeing that life is a blessing.
• Having an opinion without insisting that others share it.
• Forgiving myself and others.
• Recognizing my shortcomings and my strengths.
• Having the courage to live one day at a time.
• Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility.
• Caring for people without having to take care of them.
• Accepting that I'll never be finished -- I'll always be a work-in-progress.

What is Courage?
C - confronting the dragons
O - overcoming obstacles
U - understanding the risks
R - really living
A - always believing
G - going the distance
E - expecting the best

"Falling down doesn't make you a failure, but staying down does."

The Glossary of the Soul
One of the first entries in Iyanla's Glossary of the Soul is "Cancel Can't." Can't really means you're unable or unwilling, so be honest and just say so. Or, say that you are willing. Got a problem? No you don't -- you have a "divine opportunity." Problems mean you're powerless. Things aren't hard, they're "challenging," and you've got to be up for a challenge. "If you don't have a test," Iyanla told our audience, "you can't have a testimony." And don't you ever want anything -- "desire" it instead. "Desire means of the father, it has a divine connection."

Further Entries in the Glossary
There's more. You're not single. You're "ready to experience" a new love, a new side of yourself, a new life. And don't be broke, either. You're just "temporarily out of cash." It's all the broke people who end up broken-hearted -- and beside, you don't want to go on telling the universe that you're busted in any way, shape or form. You're not by yourself, you're "with yourself." The key, Iyanla said, is simple. "Wherever there are two or more gathered... That's me and myself, we're on it." And finally, don't be afraid. Just admit "I'm not clear." Afraid can stop you. Unclear can be... cleared up.

1 . Being a victim is a state of body. Being a survivor is a state of mind.

2. A victim fears hair falling out. A survivor knows bald is beautiful.

3. A victim knows about feeling down. A survivor knows feeling down is okay.

4. A victim dreads the side effects of treatments. A survivor wonders how to cancel his membership in the Side-Effect-of-the-Month Club.

5. A victim is amazed at all the tears. A survivor never leaves home without Kleenex.

6. A victim goes to "see" a doctor. A survivor "consults" with his or her physician

7. A victim gets caught in despair. A survivor prays a lot.

8. A victim feels helpless. A survivor says "thanks" with dignity and grace.

9. A victim enjoys a good laugh. A survivor loves one.

10. From the moment we are diagnosed, we are victims.

We must Choose to be Survivors.