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Developing Personal Boundaries I find that as an incest survivor I have to literally re-define and teach myself many of the things that individuals with a healthy sexual upbringing are given in their childhood. I have established some sexual and emotional boundaries to help me in everyday encounters. I do not always follow them 'perfectly' but they are not in my life to make me feel inadequate. They are simply guidelines to assist me in growing into a healthy, whole, empowered adult. I've been told that "boundaries give us power, potency and permission." Do you have sexual boundaries? Have you even considered developing them? Do you know you deserve them? Give it a try! What have you got to lose? The following is a list of some of my personal boundaries. 1. I don't like being touched by people I don't know, people I don't like or people who put strangle holds (strong overwhelming hugs) on me. 2. I don't like sexual innuendos - even though I compulsively engage in this type of talk, I can make efforts to change this behavior - one conversation at a time. 3. I don't like making love or having sex with a man who hasn't brushed his teeth. 4. I don't participate in anal sex anymore. 5. I don't want to have conversations with my lovers about previous sexual activities with others. This information fuels my coaddictive behavior and my sense of shame, worthlessness and inadequacy. 6. I do not have to engage in or particpate in 'quickies' where my partner leaves me. This behavior is coaddictive and fuels my feelings of inadequacy. 7. I can say 'no' - maybe. 8. I do not have to get heavy again and use my weight for protection against sexual abuse. 9. I do not want to call men I am romantically interested in. 10. I have the right to leave a situation or ask people to leave me alone - even if they don't understand my reasons - which I also do not have to give. 11. I don't like being grabbed by people of any sex, I don't like men to grab my hips. 12. I will not date men I work with. 13. I don't like little bathrooms, particularly public ones where the door swings in. 14. I don't want to date men who drug, gamble, drink or are sexually addicted. 15. I don't like people to sneak up on me. 16. I want people to ask my permission to touch me. 17. I need to avoid non-recovering compulsive people. 18. I need to validate my feelings and trust myself. 19. I will not under any conditions continue to protect my original perpetrators through denial, dysfunctional abusive relationships, fantasies or self-abusive behaviors. 20. I will hold myself in the highest regard possible. I choose to honor myself, trust myself and my reality because I am the single most important person in my life. Torie McKenzie Archer
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